Why We Pretend to Understand Things We Don’t
Introduction
On occasion, we say, “sure, I understand” to avoid admitting that we actually do not understand. In various interactions like classrooms situations, meetings, conversations, and in relationships between friends or family members, we allow ourselves to seem to understand content that confuses us. Not necessarily out of flippancy. Rather, it is an expression of our humanness. This habit developed due to fear, pressure, and a desire to be included, even if our perspective lacks complete clarity. The goal of this article is to explain why this occurs and how this practice can hurt us over time.
The Fear of Looking Incompetent
For many of us, showing that we don’t understand something seems more damaging to us than admitting that we don’t know something. Our upbringing emphasizes the value placed on intelligence in creating respect, meaning that admitting that we are confused could potentially expose a weakness within ourselves. This fear of looking incompetent leads us to acknowledge that others might be confused as well, but we do not want to be the first ones to admit this possibility. As a result, we begin to value approval over sincerity, and over time, it becomes second nature to pretend to know when, in reality, we would benefit from understanding the situation. Ultimately, by seeking approval of others in this way, we keep ourselves stuck in a place that leaves us confused and insecure.
Conditioning Sociocultural When Admitting to Being Confused Can Be Troubling
Our society rewards expectation not exploration; therefore, society encourages students to have answers instead of questioning what they don’t understand, and workplaces value having confidence over getting clarification. Because of this conditioning, we may experience discomfort or fear when we admit we are confused (admitting) because we think that we have to be perfect (be right), and we have learned to laugh, agree, and keep going instead of being honest about our confusion. Over time, the feeling of being confused will become associated more with the idea of being “bad”, that is, not being a successful learner, rather than “normal” part of the process of learning (becoming better). For many, it is more comfortable to be quiet than to admit to being confused. The awkwardness of silence, fear of criticism, or being misunderstood means that many of us prefer to keep our ideas and thoughts half-formed (believing others are more capable of explanation) rather than risk being wrong. We carry these assumptions with us because we know there are many others that are also feeling the same way.
The Illusion of Understanding in the Digital Age
Searching for information has gotten so much easier with the internet, thanks to instant access to what has been posted or uploaded. However, just because something is readily available and we can quickly skim through it, watch a clip, or snap a screenshot, does it mean we have gained comprehensive understanding. The way we see and hear the same concepts/information repeatedly creates a false sense of knowledge we think we possess simply because we are familiar with the words or phrases. The majority of social media promotes this behaviour by providing a plethora of “quick takes” rather than encouraging time spent thinking about and processing matters. The pressure of “having to have an answer” without really having had time to think about and process available information creates confusion for many. Learning at a cursory level means we are disconnecting from a deeper level of thinking, which ultimately leads us to losing the ability to participate in real dialogue without questioning ourselves or exploring why we believe what we do.
The Impact of Pretending on Learning and Connection
Hiding confusion by pretending to understand affects learning and forming connections—therefore, by pretending we have learned the material we have missed opportunities for clarification, learning, and growth. When someone is hiding their confusion, it will create a sense of distance in their relationship as they are not fully present to listen to the conversation, and these conversations will be relatively shallow. Over time, this behavior creates distrust in others, ourselves, and our ability to learn. We lose the ability to question our learning, but gain a belief that everyone else already understands it. Our learning becomes passive as we are motivated by fear of questioning our learning instead of curiosity and desire to know more. In order for us to connect with other people on an authentic level, we must be vulnerable by showing our uncertainties and weaknesses. When we give ourselves permission to ask questions and admit what we do not know, it creates a shift in the conversation between the two people. In addition to allowing for deeper conversations and meaningful growth in our learning, the pressure to perform becomes non-existent. Therefore, we do not understand through pretending; we understand by being authentic.
Conclusion
Although it may seem easier to pretend to understand, this is a costly choice that takes away our clarity, confidence, and connection. However, confusion is a starting point and not a weakness. By being honest about our uncertainty, we create opportunities for true learning and deeper conversation with others. True understanding occurs through curiosity, questions, and courage to express one’s lack of knowledge (I don’t know yet).
